The Pizza Ring of Power
This is a flight of fancy sent to me by Neriya.
(The two lone figures approach the large glass doors of the Super Kmart
Center)
Frodo: I'm glad you're here, Sam.
Sam: Yes, I know, Mr. Frodo, you've said it at least 500 times since we left
the others.
Frodo: But I really am, Sam!
-------------------
(Sam and Frodo reach the doors and try to push them open, but they appear
to be malfunctioning and don't budge)
Sam: What do you suppose is wrong with them, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: There is some dark magic at work! Clearly we have at last reached
the Dark Lord's Fortress!
Sam: How do we get inside?
Frodo: Perhaps we will have to sneak...
(Suddenly, the doors burst open and a lady rolls a cart of groceries out
with a screaming baby seated in the front)
Sam: What a hideous beast! Why... they must be breeding hobbits and wee orcs
to create a massive army of monsters!
Frodo: Sam, that is a baby!
Sam: A baby? You mean like the stork brings?
Frodo: Sam, don't you know....?
Sam: Know what, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Nevermind. Quickly! Before the doors close!
(Both hobbits dive through the door before it shuts behind them once again)
Frodo: Okay! We gotta find the fountains of Doom! Lets go!
-----------------------------
(Four dark shapes materialize seemingly out of nowhere at the very edge of
the parking lot. They move as if spirits and begin quickly making their way
towards the doors of the building, which do not open for them)
Ring Wraith #1: Opppppennnn the doooorssssssss
Ring Wraith #3: Theyyyyy arrrre ssseallled by darrrrrrk magicssssssss
Ring Wraith #1: Usssssse yourrrrrrr headsssssss
(RW3 picks up RW1 and hurls him against the door, they remain shut)
Ring Wraith #3: Currrrrsssssessssss.
(Just then the doors, labeled "Exit Only", open and a couple step out, nod
politely to the wraiths, and continue on)
Ring Wraith #3: It worrrrrkeeeed.
-----------------------------
(inside)
Ring Wraith #1: Weeeeee musssssst fiiiinnnnnd the hobbbisssssss.
Ring Wraith #3: Theyyyy musssssst be therrrrrrrre!
(points to the "Employees Only" door, but just as they are about to enter,
a man rushes out and stops, staring at them)
HR Director: Oh! Are you here to fill the sales rep. position??
Ring Wraith #1: Whhhhhooooo arrrrrre yooooouu?
HR Director: I'm director of Human Resources!
Ring Wraith #3: Weeeee arrrree nooooot huuuummmmannn, buuuut
wrrrrrraaaaithhhhs.
HR Director: Oh, but you USED to be human, right?
Ring Wraiths: ...........
HR Director: Thats just fine, Kmart USED to be a good store! Come along!
(Goes back through the door, dragging one ring wraith with the rest
following)
---------------------------------
(Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and Gandalf approach the doors of Kmart. They walk
right up to the door yet it remains unmoving)
Gimli: Terrific! Trust an elf to bring us to an impassable road!
Legolas: I was not even leading!
Gimli: Oh, too afraid to take the front??
Legolas: Why I....!
Aragorn: Children!
(Gimli and Legolas quiet down)
Aragorn: Gandalf, what think you of this new deviltry?
Gandalf: It is obviously dark, evil magic at work. We are deep in strange
territory and I must think hard on this riddle.
(Gandalf peers closely at the doors, places his staff against them and begins
to chant loudly in an unrecognizable language)
Aragorn: Listen, Gandalf....
Gandalf: Quiet! If I am to solve this puzzle I shall need all my wits about
me!
Aragorn: But...
Gandalf: Shhh!
(Several minutes pass with Gandalf either staring silently at the doors or
chanting loudly at them)
Aragorn: You know...
Gandalf: No! I have just about solved it! If only...
(The doors suddenly slide open and a man emerges and walks out, past the
group. Legolas leaps out of his seat and dives through the door)
Legolas: Me first!
Gimli: Grrr.
(The rest of the group runs through the door quickly before it shuts again)
Gandalf: See! I told you I would get it!
Aragorn: Say, Gandalf, is "Exit Only" an elvish phrase?
Gandalf: Shut up.
------------------------------------
Gandalf: Okay, we must split up to find the hobbits!
(Everyone goes off in their own directions, leaving Gandalf alone. As he
turns around he sees Saruman!)
Saruman: You didn't honestly think I'd let you go so easily did you?
Gandalf: Drats! I thought you were back in Seattle!
Saruman: My castle does NOT look like the Space Needle!
Gandalf: Does too.
Saruman: You will regret those words!
(fires his staff at Gandalf, flinging him to the ground)
Gandalf: Arghhh! Time out! My hip! My hip!
Saruman: No mercy!
(Gandalf trips Saruman with his staff, and they are both laying on the ground
next to each other)
Saruman: Ugh! I'm.... having.... chest.... pains.....
(Gandalf and Saruman start pulling each other's hair, Gandalf finally manages
to strangle Saruman by wrapping his hair around his throat)
Gandalf: Hmph
(stands up and kicks Saruman in the shin before walking away)
-------------------------------
(Frodo and Sam walk back to the pizza shop and past the door that says "Employees
Only". Boromir is standing there making a pizza, three arrow shafts sticking
out of his chest)
Frodo: Boromir!
Sam: Boromir!
(Boromir looks up, startled)
Boromir: Oh, hello Frodo and Sam!
Frodo: What happened to you??
Boromir: Just a run in with some Orcs, I'm okay.
Sam: But ya have three arrows sticking out of you!"
Boromir: Oh these? I've had worse. Acctually they are quite convenient.
(picks up a sauce spoon and hangs it from the wooden arrow)
Boromir: See?
Frodo and Sam: ......................
(Boromir slips in a bit of sauce on the floor and lands on his stomach and
the spoon wacks him in the head while one of his arrows breaks off, stabbing
him in the leg. After a few moments, he struggles to his feet again)
Boromir: I'm okay, I'm okay.
Frodo and Sam: .......................
--------------------------------------------
(Gandalf walks through the door)
Frodo: Gandalf!
Gandalf: Is it secret?? Is it safe?? Is it safe AND secret??????
Frodo: The ring will be safe here! No one ever comes to Kmart. Lord Sauron
need never get his hands on it.
Gandalf: Yes, but there was another who knew where it was to be hidden. I
don't know how long they tortured Gollum, but they were able to extract one
sentance from him: "The ring is in a Kmart Supercenter in Winston-Salem,
North Carolina on the corner of 3rd and Main street!"
Frodo: "The ring is in a Kmart Supercenter in Winston-Salem, North Carolina
on the corner of 3rd and Main street?" But that would lead them here!
Gandalf: uh... yeah
Frodo: Whatever shall we do???
Gandalf: You must take the ring to the fountains of Doom, go with Aragorn!
--------------------------------
Aragorn: We must ask someone where the fountains of Doom are!
Frodo: But we musnt be seen!
Aragorn: There are ring wraiths about!
Frodo: Oh no! I see one now!
(A wraith, clad in a red vest reading "How may I help you?" floats up to
the pair)
Wraith: Isssss thhere anythhhing..... Ahhhh! Itssssss the halfling!
(Frodo and Aragorn dive behind the snack kiosk, the wraith closing in on
them)
Frodo: I am not a halfling! They are over in cosmetics!
(the wraith pauses, thoughtful)
Wraith: Curssssessss, the cusssssstomer is alwayssssss riggggght!
(Aragorn suddenly grabs a lady walking by and pulls her behind the kiosk)
Aragorn: You must tell us where the fountains of doom are!
Lady: I umm... think they are near the bathrooms.
Aragorn: Forever am I in your debt, come Frodo!
(Aragorn leaps from behind the kiosk, dragging Frodo with him)
-----------------------------
(Aragorn and Frodo walk up to the water fountains)
Aragorn: This is a hideous and loathsome place! The only place such a ring
could have been crafted! Frodo, the ring!
Frodo: Umm... I lost it
Aragorn: Lost it??
Frodo: Well its so little... but when we found Boromir I got a new one. This
one is much easier to keep track of!
(pulls out a somewhat large golden pizza-ring)
Aragorn: What is that?
Frodo: Its the pizza ring of power!
Aragorn: ..............
Frodo: Its even easier to wear! (slips it around his neck)
Aragorn: .............
----------------------------------
(Legolas dives behind the snack kiosk while the ring wraiths look around
hopelessly for him, unfortunantly landing directly on top of Gimli)
Gimli: Garrrr... find yer own spot!
Legolas: Cease! We must work together to defeat the wraiths!
Gimli: Oh I suppose so, alright.
Legolas: Its only...
Gimli: ?
Legolas: I'm a little home sick....
(Gimli stands up)
Gimli: Lets go find Merry and Pip.
Legolas: Even the mold on the hotdogs reminds me of the green treetops of
home...
(reaches for one of the hotdogs)
Gimli: Come on!
(grabs Legolas's arm, dragging him away from the kiosk)
(Gimli and Legolas, a well-ripened hotdog in his hand, walk up)
Aragorn: Any luck finding Merry or Pippin?
Gimli: None
(Aragorn glances at Legolas)
Aragorn: Say, I like your weiner.
Legolas: Why, Thank you.
--------------------------------
Aragorn: So, Legolas Greenleaf, eh?
Legolas: Yes
Aragorn: Did you know that "Legolas" in Elvish means "Greenleaf"?
Legolas: .............
Aragorn: So your name is Greenleaf Greenleaf?
Legolas: Shut up.
---------------------------------
(Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli and Frodo walk into the back room of the pizza station
where they see Boromir, still full of arrow shafts, happily making pizzas)
Aragorn: Boromir! I thought you were dead!
Boromir: Oh no I'm fine.
Aragorn: Frodo! Give me the pizza ring! We can destroy it in the oven!
Frodo: The ring?
Aragorn: Where is it??
Frodo: I just had it....
(There is a loud clang and they all turn around to see Merry and Pippin playing
horse-shoes with the pizza rings)
Aragorn: There they are!
Gimli: Arckkkk! You can't play horse-shoes with the pizza ring of power!
Legolas: Yes, everyone knows horse-shoes must be played with a cresent shaped
ring!
(Boromir walks over in an attempt to take the ring, but slips in the process,
causing a knife laying on the counter to fall and imbed itself in his back)
Aragorn: No!
(Boromir struggles to his feet after a moment)
Boromir: Its okay, I'm fine.
(several wraiths burst in and begin attacking Boromir)
Boromir: Argh! Run! Save yourselves!
(They all glance at each other, shrug, and run the opposite direction)
Boromir: Hey!
-----------------------------------
(They all arrive, panting, at the other end of the store)
Merry: I think we lost 'em!
Aragorn: The question now is, what do we do with the ring?
(Boromir walks up, a few more arrows sticking out of his back and looking
worse for the wear)
Boromir: I know where we could take it!
All: Ack!
(Boromir blinks)
Sam: Why won't you die!?
(Sam jumps up onto Boromir's back and begins to bash him in the head with
a large pizza pan)
Boromir: Ow!
----------------------------------
(The Fellowship, just having escaped from the Ring Wraiths, stands at the
far end of Kmart. They appear to be waiting for something)
(Aragorn leans over, picking up a detached plastic plant leaf laying on the
ground)
Aragorn: Say, look at this Legolas!
Legolas: .....................
Aragorn: It's you!
Legolas: Shut up.
--------------------
Sam: So what SHOULD we do with the ring?
Aragorn: Well, Frodo and I already found the Fountains of Doom, but this
new ring couldn't be destroyed there.
Merry: Well, where was it made?
(Frodo turns the ring around on his neck, squinting down)
Frodo: Taiwan
Aragorn: Then that is our destination! Legolas, go to the airport and price
the tickets for us!
---------------
(Legolas walks up)
Aragorn: What news from the airport?
Legolas: Well, they had 2 flights to Taiwan, and 1 for Middle Earth.
Frodo: Ah, home!
Legolas: It will cost us all at least $1000.
Gimli: We must leave quickly! Before the discount season is over!
Aragorn: (solomnly) Yes, I know. Yet, we still have no money for tickets.
Gimli: Arghm! But I can only think of one way to make over $1000 in a single
night in such a backwards, sin ridden, sodomous town such as this!
(Gimli glances at Legolas)
Legolas: No!
Gimli: Oh give it up, ye wee elf!
Legolas: Aragorn, make him stop!
Aragorn: That's enough, both of you.
(Legolas and Gimli quiet down)
Aragorn: We will figure out something. Rest easy for now, Legolas.
Legolas: For now??
(You hear a loud flush from behind a closed door nearby, and Gandalf steps
out)
Gandalf: Much better
Aragorn: We found out where we need to go.
Legolas: What does he mean, for now??
Gimli: Quiet
Legolas: I don't have to take this, you are all so cruel. I'm going to go
read my fan mail. (turns around and strides out)
Gimli: He'll be back.
--------------------
Gandalf: We still need a way to make money, and quickly.
Aragorn: I say we split up. Surly more opportunities will present themselves
if we are more spread out and approachable.
Gimli: Aye! I'll go off to find that wee elf! (leaves)
(Everyone leaves except Gandalf, and just as he turns around he spies none
other than Saruman sitting in a wheelchair, his leg in a cast, waving his
staff around)
Saruman: Now I have you!
Gandalf: ........................
Saruman: Ah, you are speechless with fear!
Gandalf: Are you serious?
Saruman: Now you die!
(in his wheelchair he charges towards Gandalf, who nimbly steps aside, allowing
Saruman to crash head-first into the wall)
(Gandalf walks over to Saruman and searches his pockets)
Gandalf: Well now we only need $956.34. Hmph.
(kicks Saruman in the shin as he walks away)
---------------------------
Aragorn: Clearly I think our best options for money making lie beyond the
doors of Kmart.
Frodo: I agree. Getting a job here is hopeless. Boromir has been most eloquent
in that lesson to me.
(Aragorn and Frodo step outside, as they do they see a huge building burning
about half a mile away)
Frodo: What is that?
Aragorn: I can't see it... its.... oh no! Its Orlando's fan mail warehouse!
Frodo: That's where he said he was going! We must save him!
------------------
(Frodo and Aragorn arrive at the already-destroyed warehouse)
Frodo: Legolas! Oh no, what happened?
(Aragorn stomps about in the ashes, looking around)
Aragorn: According to my expert tracking skill, I would say that there was
a fire.
(Frodo starts to cry)
Frodo: Its all my fault.
Aragorn: We must give our comrade a proper burial
Frodo: But we don't know which ashes are his.
Aragorn: Hmm... well I don't suppose it much matters they all look alike.....
say, I have an idea!
(drags Frodo away)
-----------------------------
(Back at Kmart, Frodo and Aragorn are sitting at a booth with a large banner
reading:
Orlando Bloom mystery ashes! For everyone who wants some Orlando of their
own! Only $5.00 a box! Get 'em while they're still hot!
Frodo: Is this right?
Aragorn: He would have wanted it this way.
(A small crowd gathers around the booth, Aragorn stands up to speak to them)
Aragorn: Step right up! You can own a peice of Orlando for yourselves! Makes
a great gift or coffee table decoration!
Spectator: What's acctually inside?
Aragorn: Well, its debatable, really. But rest assured, there IS at least
some incinerated Orlando featured within each box!
Spectator: I want one!
Ring Wraith: I willlll taaaaaaaake twooooooo!!!
(Just then, Legolas walks up)
Legolas: What's all this??
Frodo: Legolas! I thought you were dead!
Legolas: No. I have two warehouses full of fan mail, I was in the other.
(The wraith goes up to Legolas)
Ring Wraith: Willlll yyyyyoooou sssssign mmmminnne?
Legolas: No!
Ring Wraith: Pleaasssssssee?
Legolas: Well..... okay.
Spectator: Hey, he's alive! I want my money back!
Aragorn: Amazing! Wow, someone's dead ashes autographed by the person themselves
-- that will certainly be rare and valuable.
Spectator: Well.... you have a point. (turns to Legolas) Will you sign mine
too?
Legolas: Ummm...
Aragorn: Excellent! Stay here Legolas, we shall return!
(Aragorn and Frodo run off the other way, leaving Legolas in the center of
the growing crowd)
--------------------------------------------
Aragorn: Alright, all. How much do we have?
Gandalf: I was able to get about $43.66.
Gimli: About?
Legolas: I got $465 for selling my body.
(Gimli blinks)
Merry: Well we got $500! It was just laying around in these little boxes!
Gandalf: Little boxes?
Pippin: Well... they were locked. But not verra good so it couldna been
meant ta acctually keep people out.
Merry: And defenantly not hobbits!
Aragorn: Did anyone see you?
Pippin: Ah! Nae a soul! Except fer de nice security guard who tried to
'elp us carry it. Was quite pushy acctually. Told us we'd hae ta come
wi' him if we dinna let him have it.
Gandalf: I think we should be moving on now...
Aragorn: I agree.
-------------------------------
(at the airport)
Flight Register: Well I'm afraid because this is a last minute booking
there is a rate increase. Your final price will be $1250.
Frodo: Oh, no.
Sam: Now we have no time to make more
Aragorn: Well, there is only one thing to do.
Gimli: Legolas, show him your stuff!
Legolas: What??
Gimli: You know.
Legolas: I'm afraid I don't.
Gimli: Mount the arrow on the bow?
Legolas: ....................
Gimli: Show off your archery equiptment?
Legolas:....................
Gimli: Fire in the hole?
Legolas: Aragorn!
Aragorn: Stop it, both of you!
Flight Register: (slightly flushed) Oh, it appears that 9 extra seats
just opened up. I can give them to you for $1000.
Frodo: Wonderful!
(Aragorn pays the flight attendant and accepts the tickets)
-----------------------------------
(security check)
Security Guard: Okay, please take all metal objects off your body and
lay them down before you step through the machine.
(everyone lays down their items)
Security Guard: An axe, a long sword, 5 daggers.... these could
possibly be considered lethal weapons. I think your going to have to
check them.
Aragorn: Alright.... as long as they will be faithfully reuinted with us
at our destination. This is the ancient and legendary reforged sword of
my ancestors!
Security Guard: Yeah, sure.
(Frodo steps through the metal detector, it beeps loudly)
Security Guard: Your going to have to take off that metal ring.
Frodo: (blinks innocently) *what* ring?
Security Guard: The large pizza ring around your neck.
Frodo: (snarl) You can't have it! Its mine! My precious!
Security Guard: Look, sir, if you don't remove the ring I'm going to have
to call security.
Frodo: No! Its mine! It was a birthday present!
(Security guard presses a button, summoning two police officers who take
Frodo by the arms)
Cop #1: I'm afraid your going to have to come with us, sir.
Sam: Take your hands off Mr. Frodo!
Cop #2: Are you going to give us trouble too? Looks like we'll have to
take you into custody as well.
Aragorn: Your not taking my hobbits!
Cop #1: Just for some questioning.
Aragorn: Over my dead body!
(Aragorn grabs his sword and begins attacking the cops. The rest of the
fellowship join him.)
Security Guard: Security!
(More security officers arrive to join in the melee. A somewhat large
crowd starts to form)
Security Guard: Nothing to see here! Move along!
Spectator: But there's a bunch of guys from the Renaissance Faire
fighting.
Security Guard: Oh that. Well there is nothing *else* to see.
Spectator: Okay. (walks off)
(The cops eventually outnumber the companions to such a degree that they
are overwhelmed)
Cop #124: That's it! Were taking all of you down to the station!
---------------------------------
(police station)
Frodo: I'm sorry
Aragorn: Its alright, Frodo.
Gimli: Say, Gandalf, why didn't ya just blast 'em all with some magic 'o
yers!
Gandalf: Such a waste of human life. Besides, was trying to remember
that dratted fireball spell. Wonderful spell, that.
(the door opens and Legolas is escorted in)
Aragorn: Are you all right?
Legolas: I'm okay. They said I was clean. Of course I'm clean. I always
bathe. Even there. I don't understand why they had to...
Gimli: SO! What did they tell you, Aragorn?
Legolas: (slightly annoyed) Yes, how are we to continue our quest in
this prison?
Aragorn: They said that tomorrow we will have a trial...
Gimli: By fire??
Legolas: By sword??
Boromir: By cooking??
(Everyone blinks at Boromir)
Boromir: Never underestimate my culinary power!
Aragorn: No... by jury.
(Collective gasp)
Boromir: Pray tell what creature is that?
Aragorn: From best I could understand we will be judged guilty or
not-guilty by our peers. People just like us.
Frodo: God help us all!!!!
----------------------------
(Aragorn and the rest of the fellowship are escorted into the courtroom.
The judge then enters)
Judge: Be seated.
Sam: I wonder who the jury is going to be?
(The jury door opens and nine ring wraiths enter)
Aragorn: What is this!?
Judge: Your jury. You see, the jury had to be of your peers. And we
couldn't find anyone else around from Middle Earth.
(the wraiths seat themselves)
Ring Wraith #3: (waving) Orrrrrrllllannndooo! Thaaannnksssss forrrrr
ssssignnninnng mmmmyy aassshesss! I looooovvve yyyooouuu!
(Legolas sinks down in his seat)
Judge: They are slightly biased....
Ring Wraith #4: Death upon the Fellowship and all hobbits!
Judge: .... but they were the best we could find.
Gandalf: This is going to be interesting.
(The doors open from the back, and Saruman enters. He is seated in a
wheelchair, both legs in casts)
Saruman: Indeed, that is an understatement... old friend.
Gandalf: Saruman!
Saruman: Hahaha! I have you in my clutches once again!
Judge: Would the prosecuting party please take their place?
Gandalf: But this trial isn't even about how I easily defeated you and
broke your legs. Oh, and stole $43.66
Saruman: (snarls) I am acting attorney! Your the ones who will pay
now!
(wheels himself over to the table)
Gandalf: Why did you have that by the way? Does Sauron give you an
allowance?
Saruman: Shut up.
Baliff: The judge will now hear all complaints. First case, The
Fellowship vs. The People, please approach the bench.
(Gandalf and Saruman approach the bench. Gandalf bumps Saruman's
wheelchair, pushing it quickly towards the bench, where Saruman's leg
hits the wall, causing him to cringe in pain)
Gandalf: Oh, sorry about that.
Saruman: !!!........!!!!......#@$%!
Gandalf: Now, now.
Judge: What is the complaint?
Saruman: Your honor, these fiends have endangered public welfare by
fighting and killing in a public area!
Gandalf: It was simply self defense, we are on a mission you see -- a
mission that will save the earth -- we cannot be hindered.
Saruman: Your honor, I would like to call my first witness.
Judge: Proceed
Saruman: I call Boromir to the stand!
(collective gasp)
Boromir: But why?
Judge: Please take the stand.
Boromir: well, ok.
Saruman: Now, Boromir, you've been with this fellowship well since the
beginning, yes?
Boromir: Well, depends on what you mean by the beginning. The beginning
could very well mean the beginning of my life. Or the beginning of earth,
or...
Saruman: The beginning of the fellowship, Mr. Mir.
Boromir: Oh. Yes.
Saruman: And tell me! How many countless lives have they taken in their
so-called "quest"!!?
Boromir: Well I never really counted....
Saruman: aha! So you admit you have killed many times before!
Boromir: Well, yeah.
Saruman: And will you tell us that all of these killings were justified?
Boromir: Of course. We are on a quest.
Saruman: A quest?
Boromir: We seek the holy... erm, we seek a way to destroy the Pizza Ring
of Power.
Saruman: Is this the ring that your friend here refused to remove in the
airport?
Boromir: Yes.
Saruman: Tell me, Mr. Mir, are your companions honorable?
Boromir: Absolutly.
Saruman: Tell me about them.
Boromir: Well, there is Gandalf -- he is a mighty wizard, even though he
wears a dress. Legolas wore a dress too, once, but he can still shoot
pretty "straight" anyways. Heh, get it?
Saruman: .........................
Boromir: (clears his throat) Of course there are the hobbits, who got
pulled into all this against their will.
Saruman: Against their will? Are you saying they were kidnapped?
Boromir: Well probably not. Probably just blackmailed. I wouldn't put
it past Gandalf. Heck, maybe he's not all that honorable. I woke up
missing a belt buckle once. Bet it was him. Come to think of it...
(Gandalf stands up)
Gandalf: Objection
Judge: On what grounds?
Gandalf: Your honor, our companion Boromir has a history of being a
chronic liar.
Boromir: (looking shocked) I never!
Gandalf: You pretended to be dead after the orc attack
Boromir: Well I was tired you know? Dead tired, yeah... I almost
regreted it though after you sent me over the waterfalls.
Gandalf: And at Kmart you told us you were fine when you had several
arrows imbeded in your chest.
Boromir: ..... it got better.
Judge: Sustained. You may step down, Mr. Mir.
Boromir: Well, okay.
Judge: Do the defendants have any witnesses?
Gandalf: None, your honor.
Judge: Then we will call a small recess for the jury to make their
decision.
------------
Judge: Rise and receive your sentance.
(The members of the fellowship stand.)
RW1: Weeeee fiiiiinnnnd theeeee defeeennndantsssss nnnot-guiiilllltyyy
byyy rrrrreaasssssonn of innsssaannniityy.
Aragorn: WE are insane?
Frodo: What does this mean?
Judge: Basically that you are free to go.
(Baliff hands the confiscated weapons back to fellowship)
Judge: Just remember, no more killing sprees, eh?
Boromir: Sure.
(Just as they are leaving, the judge stops them)
Judge: Oh, and don't forget to attend the monthly mental health meetings.
Boromir: Defenantly.
(Saruman wheels over to the wraiths)
Saruman: Insanity?? What do you think your doing??
Ring Wraith #2: Welllll wwweeee prrromissssseddd tooo judgggge
faaairrrrrrlyyy.
Saruman: You think that matters!?
Ring Wraith #1: Weeee eeveeennn puuuut oooouuuurrrr haaaannnnd onnnnn
theeee Biiiibllllleeee!!!
Ring Wraith #3: I loooovvveee Orrrrlllaaannnndoooo!
Saruman: Idjiots!
--------------------
(outside)
Frodo: I'm glad that is over! But... what are we to do now?
Aragorn: Don't lose heart! If it is the last thing I EVER do -- I swear
I will see you safely upon your Quest for the Destruction of the Pizza
Ring! I swear on my father's grave! And on my grand-fathers grave! And on
my great grand-fathers grave! And on the grave on my cousin's fifth
uncles brother's father's grave!
Frodo: Uh... thanks.
----------------------
(The fellowship just emerges from the courthouse, loitering around in the
street)
Gandalf: I have an errand to run, see you later. (leaves)
Aragorn: Err.....
(Pippin sees a man opening a newspaper dispenser and remove one. He
tries to do so himself only to have the door swing back up with him
inside! Merry manages to rescue him from fate worse than death. The
others are oblivious)
Boromir: Aragorn, these paths are treacherous. I fear we must do the
worst!
Aragorn: What is that, pray tell?
Boromir: I fear we must... go to our mental health meeting.
Aragorn: What?? We cannot put off the quest for the ring to go to a...
mental health meeting.
Boromir: But the streets grow dangerous! I fear they are after us
because... they know we have not done what we swore.
Aragorn: (considering) Perhaps you are right. We will go tonight.
(Legolas walks up)
Legolas: There is a shadow of threat growing in my mind. I think we
should leave now.
Aragorn: Shut up. When I want your opinion I'll give it to you.
Legolas: I've been around for 2,931 years! You think I don't know when
there is danger?
Aragorn: Maybe, but *I* am king. See? (points to his ring)
Kiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnng!
Legolas: .....................
-------------------
(meeting)
(the members of the fellowship enter the room)
Instructor: Welcome, please sit down. Take a sticker sheet and name tag
to fill out.
(they each take a name tag and sticker sheet before being seated)
Instructor: Alright, today we are going to discuss...yes?
(points to Boromir, who has his hand raised)
Boromir: We need more stickers.
Instructor: Pardon?
Boromir: We need more stickers.
Instructor: But why?
Boromir: We have run out.
Instructor: Let me see....
(glances over Boromir's shoulder at his nametag, which reads, "Boromir
son of Denethor, stew)
Instructor: A first name would be sufficient
Boromir: It is not our way.
Instructor: All of you?
(Aragorn raises his tag, which reads "Aragorn, son of Arat")
Aragorn: I do not like mine either.
Instructor: Say, I have an idea.... You can stretch all the stickers you
have out if you just replace some of the "o"s with "i"s... hmm... and the
"a"s with "k"s.... yes, that would work!
Aragorn: I'm not so sure...
Instructor: You'll deal!
Aragorn: Yes maam.
Instructor: Now then, lets introduce ourselves, shall we? Legilks,
would you please begin?
Legolas: Legolas.
Instructor: Your nametag says "Legilks"
Legolas:..................
Gimli: Come on, sin of Thrknduil, tell us about yourself!
Legolas: Shut up! Sin of Gliin!
Gimli: (jumping to his feet) Why I...!
Instructor: Now now... that's not the way to start off.
Instructor: Okay, Legolas, please continue.
Legolas: Well I was born almost 3000 years ago in Mirkwood, far from
here. I am an elf.
All: Hi, Legilks.
Legolas: ......................
Instructor: I see. And when was it you first started believing you were
a fairy?
Legolas: I'm not a fairy, I'm an elf!
Boromir: (whispers to Aragorn) I always said he was a fairy.
Instructor: But you have pointed ears like fairies.
Legolas: ELVES have pointed ears. Fairies have wings.
Instructor: May I see your wings?
Legolas: I don't have wings!
Instructor: (soothingly) See, Legolas? You can't keep this illusion up
forever. I'm here to help you.
(Legolas sits down again, exasperated , rather roughly falling back into
his seat)
(Instructor smiles, turning towards Boromir)
Instructor: So, tell us about yourself, Birimir.
Boromir: Boromir
Instructor: You can't borrow it I'm afraid, the space station is already
destroyed.
Boromir: ...................*what*?
Instructor: Please continue
Boromir: (shakes his head, as if to clear it) I am Boromir, son of
Denethor, heir to Gondor. Not the true heir though. Only heir of the
stewardship -- my true lord is Aragorn, here.
Instructor: I see, so you worship Aragorn?
Boromir: Well I wouldn't put it that way... more like I owe him my life,
soul and allegiance.
Instructor: Do you view Aragorn as having any special abilities beyond
that of humans?
Boromir: He has a wicked right hook.
Instructor: Very well. Fridi?
Frodo: (in a small voice) The ring whispers to me always...
Instructor: Okay. Lets take a 10 minute break. (leaves)
-------------------
Instructor: (walking back in) Alright, lets con... What happened?!??
(The room appears as if a tornado has gone through it, Merry and Pippin
are standing in the center of the mess)
Merry : (looking innocent) The Ringwraiths were here!
Pippin: We just saved yer life!
Instructor:....... here are your certificates. Get out.
--------------------
(outside the hospital)
Boromir: Well what are we supposed to do now?
Aragorn: Find the forging place of the ring! We have our mental health
certificates now... we can go anywhere!
Boromir: Right!
Pippin: ... Where are we goin'?
Merry: Pay attention Pip! So, where are we off to?
Aragorn: Obviously the best place to gather information would be a place
where many people reside.
Legolas: Aragorn....
Aragorn: Quiet, I'm concentrating. Now, if we can just follow someone
out from here they should lead us to a popular gathering area!
Legolas: But right across the street......
Aragorn: Shhhhhh!!
Legolas: Oh for heaven's sake. (leaves)
Aragorn: Ah ha! Follow that elf! He will lead us to the town!
(Everyone looks at each other, shrugs, and follows Aragorn in pursuit of
Legolas)
--------------------
(In the parking lot of Hanes Mall)
Aragorn: I knew it! My plan worked!
Legolas: ..........................
Aragorn: Your just jealous.
Gimli: Heh heh
Legolas: (turns away and stares at the trees, pointedly ignoring
everyone)
Aragorn: Well lets go!
(the fellowship walks up to the doors, only to be stopped by a security
officer)
Security Officer: I'm sorry guys, but your going to have to leave the
weapons outside.
Legolas: Okay.
Aragorn: Never! Mine is the very blade Anduril that cut the hand from
the Dark Lord Sauron. The blade that has been broken and reforged once
again! Never will I let another touch the sacred blade lest it be the
touch of death as breath leaves his body!
Gimli: And this is my cool ax.
Boromir: But the court said we could carry our blades because we were
mentally healthy (shows his certificate).
Security Officer: (squints at the paper) Maybe so, but its mall policy.
Sorry guys.
Aragorn: Well alright, if it must be done for the quest... (sets the
blade down)
Gimli: Well I guess my ax isn't that cool (sets it down too)
Aragorn: Make sure no one touches them!
Security Officer: Okay.
Aragorn: And make sure they have a nice spot in the shade, Anduril hates
to sit out in the sunlight.
Security Officer:.......okay.
Aragorn: Oh, and give him a nice pillow to sit on! And if we aren't back
by 8:00 he always likes to have a bedtime story read to him. "Sword in
the Stone" is his fav.... ack!
(is pulled through the door by the others)
---------------------
(inside)
Legolas: This place chills me to the deepest parts of my heart.
Gimli: I like it!
Legolas: The trees.. alas... they are imprisoned within this fortress.
Gimli: They are only stupid palm trees. Would it make you feel better
to go hug them?
Legolas: .... Yes. (walks over to one of the palm trees and wraps his
arms around it)
Aragorn: We must hasten.
Boromir: (crouched over the ground) Aragorn, look at this!
(everyone walks over and peers at the ground)
Aragorn: What is it?
Boromir: Writing on the ground! Perhaps it is a clue as to our
destination!
Frodo: It looks like some form of elvish.
Legolas: Not a form of elvish I know.
Frodo: I wish Gandalf were here.
Aragorn: Perhaps I can decipher it...
(just then, a man with a large mop comes along and mops up the drink
spill on the floor before walking off again)
Boromir: ........................
Aragorn: Umm..... lets go this way.
(muttered "okays" are heard throughout the group before following Aragorn
out into the main part of the mall)
------------------------
(passing Suncoast, Aragorn looks in and sees a large poster display for
"Lord of the Rings")
Aragorn: Legolas, look at this!
Legolas: Don't start with me....
Aragorn: Its you!
Legolas: (turning) I *said*... hey...
Aragorn: See?
Legolas: Your right... it is me.
Aragorn: Have you seen Frodo?
Legolas: I look good!
Aragorn: We need to go.... (grabs Legolas and starts to drag him off)
Legolas: How much do you think they co... hey!
------------------
(Enter JCPennys)
Aragorn: This place is a labyrinth of passages, we must be wary...
Everyone, make a buddy chain so nobody gets los... where is Gimli?
(Legolas looks around)
(Gimli suddenly emerges from a group of clothing racks, wearing a
flowered skirt)
Legolas: Gimli! Your... wearing a skirt...
Gimli: Arrrrrch! Its not a skirt, its a kilt! I got one for you! (holds
out skirt)
Legolas: Err... no thanks.
Gimli: Its not like it would be unnatural for you.
Legolas: Shut up!
Aragorn: I am not finding anything on this floor, perhaps we should go
upstairs.
Legolas: (spying the escalator) Ah! A magical stairway!
(The group reaches the top and find themselves in the center of the
store)
Boromir: Err... anyone remember which way we were supposed to turn?
Aragorn: Hmm... I think it was this way...
Frodo: I wish Gandalf were here.
(Gandalf appears)
Gandalf: Just wanted to make sure your doing okay. Gotta run, bye!
(Gandalf disappears)
Frodo: ....h, hey!
Aragorn: Ah... lets go right.
(Exit JCPennys)
Aragorn: Dang, this is exactly where we were before.
Legolas: My picture! (runs into Suncoast)
(The group goes back through the store and emerges on the other side
(Legolas runs up, clutching a bag to his chest)
Legolas: Wait for me!
Gimli: What is that?
Legolas: No business of yours.
Gimli: Hmph.
Boromir: Say, Aragorn. Do you remember when Gandalf needed guidance he
would always go to the library?
Aragorn:...... yes.
Boromir: Well I myself see a wealth of books just to our right.
Aragorn: Indeed! You are keen of eye, wise Boromir!
Legolas: Let us keep a low profile, I spy many suspicious looking
figures about.
Aragorn: Shut up. Stupid elf.
Legolas: ............................
(Enter B.Dalton Books)
(As the fellowship enters, they see a large wall full of merchandise
labeled "Lord of the Rings". Next to it, there is a stand of bookmarks,
each with a golden ring attached. A woman in a blue apron stands next to
the rings, stroking them lovingly.)
Bookseller: They are my precioussesssss...
Frodo: Ahhhhhhh! (runs from the bookstore, screaming)
Bookseller: Welcome to Morrrdorrr....
Aragorn: ****!
Merry: Ah, geez.
Legolas: Told you so!
Boromir: Well, this is interesting.
-------------------------
To be continued...
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